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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.