if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Breaking news:
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.