[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
You Might Also Like
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
If you know, you know
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Whisper out to librarians!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.