“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”