Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Mouse
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The fall of Netflix
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.