If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
rise and shine we got egg
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.