Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
twitter users today:
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions