What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*limbos away from your hug*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”