5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.