What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth