You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Mission: Impossible
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.