[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Thrilling chase underway
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant