My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
dutch is not a serious language
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
When you “pspspsp” too hard