*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?