So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.