Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You Might Also Like
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.