My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?