Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
So creative 😂
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter