The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
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i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?