Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys