Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*cough*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.