Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa