Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
screw you
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
normalize having existential bread
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.