[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?