Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Webb. James Webb.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Holy shit he’s back
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.