All set.
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Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
How I’d get arrested…
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Bit chilly again tonight.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.