The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank