the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
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Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
this is me
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.