A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.