[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
You Might Also Like
Oceanography is all about current events
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
are there any atheist mantises?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.