[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.