There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
seems fine
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
What?!?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.