Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Has science gone too far?