Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
he was correct
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do