ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You Might Also Like
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Mission: Impossible
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?