Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
You Might Also Like
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Ron is short for Aaronald
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.