Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
🤣🤣
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
You are not alone 💚
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.