[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
How did we not see this back then?