science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
*aggressively waits in line*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
A French press is when you hug naked
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?