What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.