In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
crying
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
LOOOOOOL
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
When can I start eating bats again.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.