#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Growing out my freckles.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool