[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You Might Also Like
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Happy thanksgiving
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁