HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
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Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
#TopTip
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I hate everything
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
#Caturday