[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
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Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again