If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.