[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha