Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Hot Hot Hot
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.