Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left