Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig